Pangs of Uncertainty


I don’t understand myself anymore, or never have I ever. I don’t understand the world, or I’m just blinded by my opinions. I don’t understand destiny, or I just chose to ignore the signs. 

I have a lot of doubts and uncertainties in my life that I-including God- know. I don’t rant it publicly so as to avoid any misleading concepts for those people who read or stalk my blog or any social media accounts I have. I am sane enough to avoid criticisms especially when my mind had already made sense out of my whims.

I have a few uncertainties in life I wanna share because maybe-big word- someone out there shares the unwelcomed emotions I feel inside:

Is it right to be mad and be merciful at the same time? 

I am often mad at different people for different reasons and often times too, ended being merciful to them for the ways they think and act. I don’t really know, I just am a hot-headed person. Though I’m known for my bridge-long patience, irony of life ain’t it?

I don’t know if I still love him, but I can’t let him go

As for this one, I’m being bombed by this thought recently. It’s not welcome but I wanna give it a soft spot in my heart. There are signals my body is giving but I choose to ignore (instantly). Do you also ever feel that pain in your chest wherein it squeezes the oxygen out of you until you feel irritated? That’s one. Do you ever feel that you’re both not trying to know each other’s life when you’re not together because it’s never open? There’s another. Do you ever feel that there’s something missing with the stares and actions your partner show? All I know is that I am not a fan of words (even though I love to write) specifically when it’s not accompanied with proven gestures. I am feeling quite disturbed right now all I want to do is escape life and live somewhere no one knows me.

I don’t know if I’m doing the right decisions 

This is certainly one of my best uncertainty that beats me to death. Whenever I try to remember things in the past, i always end up saying “Ugh, I should’ve never said yes!” Or “I wish I never came” to myself a lot of times. On a lighter note, I know to myself that I only say that to myself when I feel unappreciated, not entirely enjoyed, or simply “I don’t feel special about it” kind of feeling. Yes, I admit I am hard to please in the long run but is the problem with me or the people just get tired easily? I get exhausted that fast when I don’t get positive energy on people I encounter. Again, what’s wrong with me? 

// yes, I am overly critical and overthinker. I so abuse the word “over” it becomes my life. 

//kinda emotionless and suicidal

// lost in thought and crazy ride of a life

// wanderer of soul

// no one can fix me, I don’t wanna be fixed 

6/10/2016

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